i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
