No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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