Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Randomize
