well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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