my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
