I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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