dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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