I will die if light touches me.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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