I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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