I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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