Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
