Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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