My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
