be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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