Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize