So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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