I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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