so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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