did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
