1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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