So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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