No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
