i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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