She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
