Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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