I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
