dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
