So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
