Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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