we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
