and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
