I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
