Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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