Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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