so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
