Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
