Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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