How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
