My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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