I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
