When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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