i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
