Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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