yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
