Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
