fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
