can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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