his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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