chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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