You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
