You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize
