My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
