Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
