I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
where am i from again
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
