I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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