his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
