I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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